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Why Can’t You Let Go of the Guy You’re Dating, Even Though You Know He’s Wrong for You?

Written by Ziva Kramer
Jewish Dating, Jewish Singles Wrong
Attachment destroys your objectivity

As philosopher Norman O. Brown once said, “Love without attachment is light.” Of course, we all want to love and be loved fully and with passion. But it’s crucial to be selective with your attachments. Why? Because attachment destroys your objectivity.

When I used to teach second grade, I had a student who couldn’t hold his pencil properly. I tried to help him, but during the school day, I didn’t have enough time to devote myself exclusively to his needs. I called his mother to tell her that he would probably need some extra-curricular help. She wouldn’t listen. “He’s fine,” she kept saying. “There’s nothing wrong with him.”

“I’m not saying there’s something wrong with him,” I said. “He just needs a little help holding his pencil!”

It was silly, really, but I understood: This was her son we were talking about. Her attachment to him caused her to see him through rose-colored lenses. And in a way, that’s a good thing. Her child was lucky to have a mother who will always defend him, who will put his interests before her own. Plus, she will always be his mother. He will love her for the rest of his life.

But what about you and your boyfriend? What about you and the guy you wish was your boyfriend? What about you and your ex-boyfriend? You don’t want to form an attachment to (and thereby lose your objectivity about) a guy who isn’t your husband, your father, or your brother—a guy who isn’t fully committed to you.

Unfortunately, empty attachments are common.

I know and coach many women who stay in bad relationships far longer than they should because they’re too attached to leave. They make excuses for their boyfriends’ bad behavior. They justify the unjustifiable.

What causes these unhealthy attachments?

This probably won’t come as a surprise, but the longer you stay in a relationship with someone, even if it is wrong, the more difficult it will become to leave him. You have opened up to each other, grown used to each other, probably even developed mutual love for each other.

But there’s something that makes the attachment unbreakably strong: TOUCH.

Once you have begun to make physical contact with a man you care about and feel attracted to, you may as well kiss your objectivity goodbye. And then, even though it’s subconscious, you’re staying in it for the sex, too.

Touching and sex cause attachment, which, in turn, causes you to lose objectivity.

A physical, not just psychological, phenomenon

Although it may be counterintuitive, the attachment generated from touch is actually a physiological phenomenon, not a psychological one; in other words, very few people are immune to it. You can’t talk yourself out of it. Logic is no match for it.

Women’s brains are producing high levels of the hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin is responsible for feelings of love, attachment, and bonding. Women release oxytocin when they give birth, when they breast-feed, and for better or for worse, when they have orgasms. Therefore, when a woman has sex with a man, she risks feeling bonded to him the way she might to her own baby!

So if you’ve been wondering why you can’t let go of the guy you’re dating, even though you know he’s wrong for you, even though you know you have no future together, even though you know you’re wasting your time with a guy who isn’t going to change, who isn’t going to come around, well, oxytocin is the answer.

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About Ziva:

Ziva has been a matchmaker, dating coach and spiritual advisor for professional singles in New York City for many years. She gives seminars all over the country and she is well known for her inspiring, standing-room-only seminars and her “no-nonsense” approach to the art of romantic fulfillment.

Her witty, enthusiastic, dynamic, funny, controversial and extremely entertaining delivery tells it like it really is. She makes her audience laugh and cry, leaving them with a newfound clarity. With her sensitive and unique approach she devoted her life to help as many people as she can, becoming one of the most popular leaders on the New York City singles circuit.

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